An Open Letter To That Cunnilingus Post That’s Been Going Around Tumblr The Past Few Days

Dear Cunnilingus Post That’s Been Going Around Tumblr The Past Few Days,

I’m delighted that you’ve chosen to push back the shadows of ignorance and enlighten the Tumblr realm as to the fine art of what kids these days are referring to as face-timing. However, I must respectfully inform you that a great many of your points are disagreeable and/or just plain wrong.

To begin with, let’s bear in mind that no one is the ultimate authority on rug munching; thus, presenting your limited experience as the One Way is, in the best of all possible worlds, limiting. Furthermore, proposing a one-size-fits-all solution is deleterious when the truth is a great deal more nuanced and varied. What you might rather have done is cast out a few pearls of wisdom and then suggest that readers explore what other gurus of the poon-pleasing arts have to say.

Regardless, I wish to respond to your instructions point by point and so would be remiss for covering up the unique, uh, flavor of your initial missive. Your words will therefore appear in italics hereafter.

     1. Don’t be a bitch. If you’re gunna [sic] do it, do it well.

Any advice delivered in accusatory tones supports the false notion that there is some ultimate arbiter judging performance, when in fact a great many approaches and techniques will be sure to please in any given situation. Instead of opening the doors to a wide variety of box lunches, you are setting the would-be beaver-lover up for anxiety. This is a shame, especially given the lack of knowledge and enthusiasm about muff diving in  society today. Instead, why not treat your knowledge-seeking readers to a more important lesson :

1.  Relax and help your partner do the same. 

     2.    Tease the fuck out of her before going in. Put that tongue away. Kiss every inch of her, except        her pussy. Inner thighs, neck, lips, nipples. Start at her mouth, work your way down. Did you get her neck already? Good, now do it again. Build the anticipation. She’ll love it even more.

While there may be maidens, mothers, or crones who want to be kissed all over their bodies every single time, presinting this as the only way to please a woman might cause would be clit-caressers to shy away from traveling south of the equator more often. I, for example, tend to favor a more direct approach. Some kissing and a little massage often get me at least halfway to “mouth-fuck me already, you sexual god(ess)”. In my own limited experience, too much foreplay can be annoying at best.

The trick to assessing the vadge-owner’s needs in any given situation is to pay attention to your partner’s body language, vocalizations, and, if you’re lucky, explicit instructions. In other words:

2.  Watch for it. Don’t assume you know someone’s needs.  

     3 .   When she can’t handle the anticipation any more, go in for the kill. Eat that pussy like you’re      on death row and it’s your last meal.

While your, um, delightful comparison is sure to keep anyone participating in the act of lip service excited for the duration, might I suggest phrasing it a bit more delicately? We wouldn’t want our stalwart diners at the Y to become too aroused, now would we?

3. Be conscientious about your partner’s enjoyment.  

     4. Most girls respond really well to clit stimulation, but don’t over work it. Some girls like it when you stick your tongue in, some don’t, so be cautious when exploring that option.

Congratulations, Cunnilingus Post! We actually agree on one point.

4. Explore different sensations and techniques.  

     3. The best way I’ve learned to do it is to start off slow. Long licks. Cover all of it. Slowly work your speed up. Go a little faster. Every been told to write the alphabet with your tongue? Fuck that. It’s stupid.

No one can know in advance what a particular individual or scenario will call for. The exotic foreigner may, in fact, be pleased that you’ve put effort into learning her phonetic or pictographic characters.

5. No trick works every time.

     6. Have her lay on her back, put her legs over your shoulder. That’s the one of the best positions for her to get max pleasure. It also allows you to use your hands. While your mouth is going to down reach up with your hands, grab her breasts, (some girls like their nipples squeezed when getting eaten out. Try exploring that option if she’s down). You also have the options of using one of your hands to finger her or rub her clit while you lick. If you get into a good motion of licking while you rub her clit with your tongue, I can almost guarantee that she will go crazy.

A great deal of what you are saying here is presumptuous to the point of ennui. Please don’t think you know more than the lady whose labia you are loving. We have already covered this, so please allow me to phrase this in a different manner:

6. Your partner has the final say about what does or doesn’t feel good.

     7. Think you’re done after she cums? WRONG. You’re not done until she grabs you by the hair and pulls you up because she can’t take it any more.

Since you’ve been paying attention, you’ll know you should offer but not expect to keep going. Look for your partner’s cues or talk about what would be fun to do next. Mouths are good for that, as well. And while BDSM scenarios often merit overstimulation, this isn’t everybody’s cuppa. A considerate lover makes sure it’s mutually agreeable to keep digging for clams. Anything else would be divesting the seabeds of a sustainable resource. Succinctly:

7. It’s not a race. It’s not a competition. You’re giving and getting pleasure, that’s all. 

So thank you, Dear Cunnilingus Post That’s Been Going Around Tumblr The Past Few Days, for being so understanding as to read this lengthy post in detail. I sincerely hope it is of use to you and to all the delightful readers who wish to play with the girl in the kayak, get to third base, tip the velvet, &c.

Fondly,

kepl3rian

10 responses to “An Open Letter To That Cunnilingus Post That’s Been Going Around Tumblr The Past Few Days

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