An Open Letter To That Cunnilingus Post That’s Been Going Around Tumblr These Past Few Days

Dear Cunnilingus Post That’s Been Going Around Tumblr These Past Few Days,

I’m delighted you’ve chosen to push back the shadows of ignorance. We need more, not less, information about what kids these days are cheekily referring to as face-timing. Yet I must respectfully inform you that a great many of your points are boorish or just plain wrong. Please allow me to explain.

To start off, let’s bear in mind there’s no vengeful god of rug munching. Presenting your experience as the One True Way™ limits people. Absolutely tell us your side of things. But remember that prudent Cunnilingus Posts encourage readers to refer to many gurus of the poon-pleasing arts.

Secondly, … gosh, where to start? How about I respond to your instructions point by point so as to give everyone the unique flavor of your initial missive. Sound groovy? Let’s begin.

 1. Don’t be a bitch. If you’re gunna [sic] do it, do it well.

By putting down the would-be Aussie-kisser, you’re supporting the idea that a panel of sexperts is sitting behind one-way glass during every encounter. But, newsflash, there isn’t. And scout’s honor, I have never heard a woman say “he ate my pussy like a little bitch”.  On the contrary. We’re happy you’re down there.

Then there’s the issue of your tone, which is a little … how can I put it? Gunnery Sergeant Hartman comes to mind. Basically, you’re setting potential beaver-lovers up for anxiety. That kills the mood and before long you’re blocking, not paving the way towards the mass enjoyment of box lunches. Let’s remember the golden rule of sex-play:  1. Relax and help your partner do the same. 

2. Tease the fuck out of her before going in. Put that tongue away. Kiss every inch of    her, except her pussy. Inner thighs, neck, lips, nipples. Start at her mouth, work your way down. Did you get her neck already? Good, now do it again. Build the anticipation. She’ll love it even more.

While there are no doubt maidens, mothers, and crones who want to be kissed all over every single time, plenty of others want muff-divers to switch things up. I’m even more direct than that. Some kissing and a little massage often get me 90% of the way to “mouth-fuck me pretty-please”.

The trick to assessing any vadge-owner’s needs is to pay attention to her body language, vocalizations, and, if you’re lucky, explicit instructions. In other words: 2. Watch and listen for signals about how to proceed.  

3. When she can’t handle the anticipation any more, go in for the kill. Eat that pussy like you’re on death row and it’s your last meal.

While your delightful comparison is sure to keep everyone from here to Peoria in the mood, might I suggest phrasing it differently? We wouldn’t want our stalwart diners at the Y to become too aroused. The other issue here is that you’re promoting the (false) idea that every lower-lip-lock has has to Uber a woman the corner of Ultimate and Sex God. Blowies are amazing and we love them even more if we know you love them. Thus: 3. It’s okay to let her know you’re enjoying yourself.  

4. Most girls respond really well to clit stimulation, but don’t over work it. Some girls like it when you stick your tongue in, some don’t, so be cautious when exploring that option.

Congratulations, Cunnilingus Post! You and I agree that kissing, suckling, very carefully using your teeth, palms, fingers, nose and chin, and shaking your head are just some of the ways to see what your partner is into. 4. Explore plenty of different sensations and techniques.  

5. The best way I’ve learned to do it is to start off slow. Long licks. Cover all of it. Slowly work your speed up. Go a little faster. Every [sic] been told to write the alphabet with your tongue? Fuck that. It’s stupid.

I disagree. The exotic foreigner may, in fact, be pleased that you’ve put effort into learning her phonetic or pictographic characters. Do whatever seems to work. And come on, Cunnilingus Post. Too many directions and you’re back to fostering that anxiety. You don’t want to compound the problem of fewer-than-optimal vacations south of the equator that plagues much of the developed world. In fact, some women may not come sometimes. Sure, it’s disappointing but that doesn’t mean she didn’t enjoy herself. Be sure to remember:  5. No trick works every time.

6. Have her lay [sic] on her back, put her legs over your shoulder [sic]. That’s the one of the best positions for her to get max pleasure. It also allows you to use your hands. While your mouth is going to down [I’m getting sic of this] reach up with your hands, grab her breasts, (some girls like their nipples squeezed when getting eaten out. Try exploring that option if she’s down). You also have the options of using one of your hands to finger her or rub her clit while you lick. If you get into a good motion of licking while you rub her clit with your tongue, I can almost guarantee that she will go crazy.

Much of what you are saying here is presumptuous to the point of putting me to sleep. Please don’t think you know more than the lady whose labia you’re loving. We’ve already covered this, but I’ll do like a certain ex-prez and try to let-me-be-clear this across the aisle: 6. Your partner has the final say about what does or doesn’t feel good. 

7. Think you’re done after she cums? WRONG. You’re not done until she grabs you by the hair and pulls you up because she can’t take it any more.

BDSM scenarios often merit overstimulation, but this isn’t everybody’s cuppa. A considerate lover makes sure it’s mutually agreeable to keep digging for clams. Anything else would be divesting the seabeds of a sustainable resource. Succinctly: 7. It’s not a race. It’s not a competition. You’re giving and getting pleasure, that’s all. 

Therefore, allow me to thank you, Cunnilingus Post That’s Been Going Around Tumblr These Past Few Days, for reading this lengthy post. I hope it is of use to you and to all who wish to kneel at the altar, get to third base, and tip the velvet.

Fondly,

kepl3rian