Monogamous, Kinky Couple-Friends

Say that you’re in a kinky relationship. Say one night your partner says to you, hey, I feel like having an old-fashioned double date with another couple — no swinging, no playing, just some innocent drinks or ice-cream sodas. Fair enough, you say. Soiree-ing ensemble can make a refreshing change from just going down to the pub by yourselves or meeting whatever assortment of people shows up when you post your location on Facebook.

Problem is, there are multiple connections that need to exist if you all want to have a good time. Hanging with just one other friend that you both like (and who likes both of you) means that three mutually comfortable relationships need to exist. If you hang out with another couple, the number of comfortable ties automatically doubles. How do I know this? Because of a nostalgic trip back to high-school statistics that had me trying to remember what “combinatorics” means.

C(3|2) = 3! / [ (1)!2! ] = 6/2 = 3

C(4|2) = 4! / [ (2)!2! ] = 24/4 = 6

Here I’m assuming that you and your partner aren’t mad at one another and the same for the other two. If one couple is having an argument, double-dates can get pretty damn awkward indeed.

Let’s throw in a third couple and see what happens.

C(6|2) = 6! / [ (4)!2! ] = 720/48 = 15

Yikes. There needs to be fifteen like-like relationships for everybody to get along. This is probably why triple-dates almost never happen. Anyway, here ends the insane geekery.

Math aside, you can still see my point — if you want to have a good time, many people need to be comfortable with and mutually respect one another. Here’s where Mr. Tungsten and I run into difficulties. We welcome friends who are queer or straight, old or young, liberal or conservative, blah,blah, blah. But what we’d really like is for our some of the couples we know to be kinky, monogamous folks. This actually seems harder to pull off than a triple-date. Here’s why.

A lot of monogamous couples no doubt play at home. This is what happened to Mr. Tungsten and myself for the first 10-odd years of our relationship. Even though I’d been a big public scenester before we met, being together changed our whole dynamic. He’s not the exhibitionist that I am so, of course, we needed to be where he felt comfortable. Plus we were working out how to incorporate our various kinks and styles of play.

Staying home also means you can have sex whenever the mood strikes, something that isn’t possible at clubs and public venues. You can drink at your place. This is discouraged at dungeons such as Threshold and BoD, since alcohol increases the chances of misjudgment or miscommunication. At home you’re safe from those fish-eyed guys who are standing too close to the X-frame and you have to ask to move aside so that you don’t hit them on the backswing. You don’t have to see someone naked if you’d rather not, in fact you’re free from disturbing sights like the dude who’s a dead ringer for Saddam Hussein but is wearing just a leather harness and a cock-pouch — this at a time when Saddam Hussein was very much on people’s minds.

The scene tends to attract single people. They’re curious, especially if they’re new, about how others play. They want to meet new people and have a good time. We’re making plenty of friends now that we’re out more often, but most of them are unpartnered, negating the chance for that double-date with friends who understand our kinky sides.

Then there are the poly. Public or semi-private gatherings draw them for obvious reasons. One blogger by the name of Sexperts asserts that the majority of kinksters are poly. I’m not convinced this is anything other than anecdotal, although it’s probably true that a larger fraction of the people who play outside their homes are of the poly persuasion. I’m not going to judge somebody just because they are in a relationship with more than one person. At one time I even thought it was a viable choice for me. However, there are different issues that arise for kinksters who have just one partner. For example: if he’s come to adore puppy play, how do you deal with that if it’s not your thing at all?

So paired-up friends, please come out — we need you. Also, once we become attached to your awesome ways, would you please stop breaking up/ moving to different cities/ getting out of the scene entirely because one session at one public space went wrong? We would really appreciate it. Thank you.

Featured image via Colorbox.com

2 responses to “Monogamous, Kinky Couple-Friends

  1. – in fact you’re free from disturbing sights like the dude who’s a dead ringer for Saddam Hussein but is wearing just a leather harness and a cock-pouch —

    *insert wide eyes/slack jaw here*

    OHHHH MMMYYYY GAAWWWWD!
    The laugh that brought, once I recovered from the wide eyes and slack jaw was LOUD, my neighbors may have heard me! I fear won’t it be enough to prevent the nightmares if might induce, but the laugh was so it was worth it!

    The post content….spot on and hit home.

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