Your Fifty Shades Christmas List

Even though you wouldn’t touch this series with a ten foot carriage whip, chances are you have a friend who is not only a fan but the founder of the Fifty Shades Cosplay and Literary society in your town. You know, the one who goes to the local brick and mortar bookstore and rearranges the books on the shelves so that they’re face-out instead of spine-out, thus ensuring greater sales?

To give your friend the Christmas (s)he really deserves, why not pick out a few gifts from this increasingly lengthy list of items meant to take advantage the 50 Shades phenomenon? One thing’s for sure — it’ll get people talking.

witebottleredbottleLet’s start with a mass-produced product: the wine. The marketing tactic of blending inferior varietals in order to produce something drinkable reminds me of what savvy record producers do to generate sales. They gather some made-to-order faces, slap them with a catchy name and boom —  you’ve got product. Rather than “Backstreet Boys” or “Pussycat Dolls”, the result is merely “White Silk” or “Red Satin”.

Humdrum wine leads naturally to unappetizing chocolate. And aprons. I’m at a loss about what frilly half-aprons have to do with kinky sex, unless you’re doing a June Cleaver role play, but even then wouldn’t you want something less busy? Florals, dots, houndstooth, and lace. My eyes may never be the same. And let’s not forget this adult-sized sippy cup. I can well imagine how my friends, as well as  the very familiar baristas, at the corner Starbucks would react to the appearance of a “grande, decaf, one-pump vanilla laters baby” at the counter. “Take that straw, take it bitch” the more impassioned friends would cry.

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Now when your friend has guests (s)he will want them all to know that (s)he’s a fan. The trick is to hit holiday visitors with something unforgettable, like this wine-bottle lamp with christmas lights mashed deep down inside.  The crafty might be able to upcycle their own from one of the myriad bottles of White Silk they have lying around.

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This wreath adds a merry touch, but remember that only the least imaginative fans actually limit themselves to the color gray. The savvy home decorator will able to hit newcomers with bewildering attacks of black and white. Fingernail decals that make you want to grab . . . a black latex balloon. Overly-decorated cell-phone cases. And soap.

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What is this supposed to smell like anyway, ennui? Abuse of the company motor pool?  But this is still not all. For the pet your friend named “Christian” right after the book we have this nod to feline style. Or, hey, let’s not make assumptions. Chihuahas formerly named “Jack Sparrow” can get in on the fun.

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However, the most important things to decorate are the people in the house. Because everyone wishes to be reminded of BDSM when they look at infants, or the elderly. Remember that bones can go brittle with time. Also, if anyone is actually senile, they can be restrained with the tenderness and care befitting their long years of devotion to the family.

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Kudos to AndPop.com and CraftyCrafty.tv for providing some of the more bizarre selections in this blog.

Featured image courtesy of starshipminivan at instructables.com