The internet is splendid thing. Like a geriatric prom queen, it retains all sorts of paraphernalia from its youth and even knows where to find most of it, given appropriate cues. As an example, I present to you this work of fiction so terribly germane to I, Kinkster that to omit it would be a crime punishable by lifelong imprisonment — or lifelong denial of feen. For definition, see below.
Sexual Differences In Aliens
by Curt Siffert (firstname.lastname@example.org)
written 14 Oct 1993
It’s been a hard night zooming through the universe. You’ve jumped
three freighters, a cruiser, and a junk collector, and none of them
have had a comfortable cot. You’re beyond the point of sleep now,
your towel has an unidentifiable stain, you’re low on peanuts, and
all of a sudden you realize that you are near some aliens that look
like they might be similar to your appropriate preferred gender.
All of a sudden, you want some action.
Hey, don’t be embarrassed. It’s perfectly natural – a great way to
relieve tension after a strenuous zip through hyperspace. However,
you must first be aware of the possible pitfalls in progressive
The main thing is that genders, no matter what kind of gender we may
be referring to, are full of surprises. While presenting steamy stories
about hermaphrodites or three-breasted creatures may illuminate you or
even titillate you after your hard day’s travelling, a piece of erotic
literature from the tiny planet Spraticon-V will probably provide you
with the insight you need to follow your urges safely.
This piece of literature is one of the only scraps of knowledge we
have coming from this planet. Due to their almost negative-population
growth, the inhabitants of Spraticon-V do not partake in inter-planetary
export. The literature you are about to read is a telling tale of
the Spraticon-V culture.
Note: Certain Spraticon-V terminology was left in, so as to provide
an accurate flavor to the experience.
It was a cold night on Spraticon-Five. Spleeg Flumm wangled his florg
around in a circle. The night was making him shriddy, and he was ready
And there she was. Spleeg instantly wrinkled his morf, thinking it made
him look cool. It worked.
“Hey, baby,” said she, “shall we find a flibbite?”
Spleeg plebbled. This was going well. “What’s your name, honey?” he
“Fem! Fem In-In!” she answered gaily. She tossed three of her fackles
back, and they reflected in the moonslight.
The two maters joined glicks and walked off in search of their last part.
And there fle was. “Look at flim!” exclaimed Spleeg. “Fle is *portrid*!”
“Yeah, fle is!” Fem hargled and mooeyed. She quoomed and blurked. She
thought this would grab flis attention, and she was right! It did!
The flibbite rockled up to them. “Well, hey hey! Aren’t you a cute
couple of medgies!”
Fem and Spleeg purkied. This was ideal. They immediately put their
fackles together and came up with a plan.
Seventeen units later, Spleeg, Fem, and the Flibbite, Uhuhuhuh, were
in Spleeg’s dwelling. Spleeg was already so shriddy that he got right
down to business.
“Uhuhuhuh! Go over there! Fem! Take off your moooooo!” he ordered,
with a crazed look in his ficks.
Uhuhuhuh knew the routine. Fle went over behind the sofa and started
gyrating in place. “OH, george HAR-rison! OH, george HAR-rison!”
fle screamed rhythmically.
Fem ripped off her moooooo and started meckelling coyly. “You *must*
pay the rent! I *can’t* pay the rent!”
Spleeg ripped off his mork, proudly exposing his above-average feen.
It was perfectly flat and gleaming, and had more surface area than
Fem had ever seen before!
“OH!” exclaimed Fem, and she dove towards him. Four of her fackles
splatted against the feen before Spleeg grunted with satisfaction.
“NOW, UHUHUHUH, NOW!” screamed Spleeg, as Fem started to turn black.
Uhuhuhuh was all too ready to oblige. “OH, george HAR-rison!” fle
screamed one last time before fle leapt up into the air. And then,
all of a sudden, fle opened up like a mongoroose and enclosed the
other two with his oopaloop!
A look of ecstasy crossed Uhuhuhuh’s fackles as the other two moved
underneath flim. “OH, george HAR-rison!” fle screamed repeatedly as
the shapes moved beneath flis oopaloop.
The screams beneath flim increased in volume and intensity until
finally, Fem exploded in a shattering “I’LL PAY THE RENT!!!” and
a brownish goo leaked out from under Uhuhuhuh.
Uhuhuhuh retracted off of Fem and Spleeg, went over to the sofa, and
sat down. After a moment, Spleeg, weary and shaken, joined flim. And
finally, Fem reformed out of the brown goo, carrying a smaller creature
in her glicks. She went over to the sofa and shared her creation with the
other two. They all skooed and fayed repeatedly over the small creature.
Then they ate it and smoked cigarettes.
For more of these lovely shenanigans visit The Project Galactic Guide
Featured image via Paul K Tunis