Sunday’s post about John Norman got me thinking about the time I fed the opening chapter of Slave Girl of Gor into The Lolcat Translator. Well, not the whole chapter, but enough that it made a mighty fine read.
Allow me to direct the uninitiated to their local used bookstores. If there is a paperback SF section the reader will no doubt uncover one or more of the Gor novels, probably dog-eared and with a cracked spine. Reading even one paragraph will familiarize you with John Norman’s iconic writing style and allow you to better appreciate what follows.
For those who know the book well:
1 TEH COLLAR
I LAYD IN DA WARM GRAS. I WUZ SLEEPY. I DID NOT WISH 2 AWAKEN. I WISHD 2 PROLONG TEH WARMTH. MAH NECK SEEMD 2 WEAR WEIGHT. I HEERD A SOFT CLINK. I DIDN UNDERSTAND DIS. MAH PAWS DUG INTO TEH WARM EARTH.
I REMEMBERD TEH CLOTH SLIPPD OVAR MAH MOUTH AN NOSE. I HAD SQUIRMD BUT I HAD BEEN HELD IN HIS GRIP, HELPLES. I WUZ TERRIFID. I HAD NOT KNOWN MAN CUD BE SO STRONG.
I LIFTD MAH HEAD AN ROLLD SCREAMIN, AWAKENIN, TANGLD IN DA CHAIN, IN DA GRAS. I SAT BOLT UPRIGHT. I REALIZD I WUZ NAKD.
“NO! ” I CRID. “DO NOT WANT!”
I SEIZD ON MAH CHAIN AN PULLD IT. IT EXTENDD 2 HEAVY RING AN PLATE FASTEND 2 GREAT GRANITE RAWK, IRREGULAR, SUM TWELVE FEET IN WIDTH AN DEPTH, SUM 10 FEET IN HEIGHT. TEH RAWK HAD APPARENTLY BEEN DRILLD AN TEH PLATE FASTEND WIF 4 LINEAR BOLTS. THEY CUD HAS PASD THRU TEH ENTIRE WIDTH OV TEH RAWK. I DID NOT KNOE. I WEPT. I CRID OUT. I PULLD AGAIN AT TEH CHAIN. IT HURT; IT MOVD NOT A QUARTR OV AN INCH.
I WUZ FRIGHTEND. I TRID 2 THRUST FRUM MAH MIND WUT MUST BE, WUT HAD 2 BE, TEH EXPLANASHUN OV DIS UNUSUAL FENOMENON.
I STRUCK MAH PAWS ON TEH GRANITE RAWK STREAKD WIF FELDSPAR. I HAD BEEN BROUGHT HEER; NO WUN HAD CONSULTD MAH WILL; I HAD BEEN BROUGHT HEER, MAH WILL WUZ NOTHIN.
“OH, NOES,” I WEPT.