Being Bi is Better

Saturday was the first time I went to a bisexual event. It felt like coming home.

“Bi” is a tricky appellation. A lot of folks prefer pan- or polysexual or just plain queer. But queer studies wasn’t as advanced when I was looking for words to explain my feelings and “bi” seemed suitable. It still does. I’m a geek so Just like the universe is organized by physical laws, I see nature as being governed by biological laws that put all but the most primitive organisms into bins marked “male” and “female”. That’s how I make sense of it, anyway.  

The event, organized by amBI LA brought together all kinds of bisexual people and supporters. I met some of the organizers. I met a geekgirl. I danced to a country tune with a pretty lady and made friends with a couple that live in my small town. I also learned about Bisexual.org which is dedicated to visibility and education. 

This has been something I’ve been thinking more about for awhile now. How to be more visible, holding myself up as a sane, approachable type of person who might be able to befriend or help other bi people while respecting the feelings of my straight husband and fairly conservative community. I have a gay friend who’s educated and smart, yet he believes bisexual men don’t exist. Last year was the first time I really came out at work. Someone quite naturally asked “so how does that work with you and your husband?”

Life, it seems, is a process of coming out. Just when you think you know yourself, just when you think you’ve been as honest as can be, life hands you a baton and says here, run with this, we need you in the race. 

Featured image: The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health

10 responses to “Being Bi is Better

  1. Diane,
    I profoundly disagree. There is nothing primitive about me being a homo and being simply female, it’s great being both. In fact, most days I feel fortunate that I have zero interest in males sexually. There are beautiful, sexy, brilliant, tough, soft, nice smelling ladies around and in my world, a male doesn’t even register. It feels liberating.

    It would be like asking a straight male would he ever want to touch another male sexually. I know my chemistry and I try not to fight it – wherever it may lead.

    Someone from college contacted me, maybe its been 20 yrs, who apologized for being a bit of an ahole when I returned after my year abroad…Why?

    Because I won’t be anyone but who I am. And there have been many times that it would be easier if I lied. But I never will.

    This college friend couldn’t handle having a gay female friend visit her at her sorority. Of course those who give you the most grief…she’s married today to a woman and has twin babies.

    I don’t know – I’ll have to ask myself this for a bit (smile) – if we really don’t know ourselves. I know myself profoundly well (and we’re both in our 40’s). Sure I learn new things that interest me and sure I surprise myself often; however that doesn’t negate that I DO know myself very well.

    Maybe this frankly goes to intelligence – specifically:

    http://www.pbs.org/wnet/gperf/education/ed_mi_overview.html

    “Intrapersonal Intelligence: having an understanding of yourself; knowing who you are, what you can do, what you want to do, how you react to things, which things to avoid, and which things to gravitate toward. We are drawn to people who have a good understanding of themselves. They tend to know what they can and can’t do, and to know where to go if they need help.”

    It seems people pick up from me that I’m ‘real’ (what a lame description but it’s happened a few times – what else would I be?).

    I can change, I can grow (I would hope so) from experience but my fundamental nature doesn’t change. I really don’t think so. That was my short answer (smile) to your thoughts above.

  2. Ack, misunderstanding! I didn’t mean to imply that being any of homo is primitive — no no no. What I meant to say is that in my mind there are two genders and thus the word “bi” works for me. Other people’s conceptions of gender may be more varied. I see a correlation between the acceptance of gender fluidity and the adoption of terms other than “bi”.

    Thank you for wording your objection so politely.

    • Diane,
      It’s something unfortunate in our culture – that we can’t politely disagree. I didn’t find your statements offensive as much as I disagree that ‘bi’ is better other then it might be easier to find a date.

      • Guess the article wasn’t clear. The message I intended to convey wasn’t that being bi is better than being gay or straight, only that being out and connecting with other queer people is better than just letting everyone assume that I’m straight.

      • Oh. And see, this is where we connect. Obviously that is my world as well. I love the ladies, I have no interest in males sexually yet they assume because I’m feminine that they can hit on me whenever they feel like it. I don’t let it dictate what I do (such as what I wear) but I am still aware if I wear something that I’d consider really sexy, I attract too many.

        I suppose people see what they want, esp. males, and I do have a soft, feminine nature (ie: it’s why I really like – gosh so hot – feminine, sexy, aggressive ladies – any reading this…say hi).

        At least by our age now, it’s not quite the same. It was worse when I was younger. It still just surprises me because you’d think anyone would pick up my energy and where it’s directed.

        But seriously…enjoy your ‘bi’-nish (can’t think of a way to say it better). Do for me and all gay women…just be what I call an ethical bisexual. You know the unethical types…make you think you’re connecting with this nice, pretty lady and then they throw a (male anatomy) into the picture. It’s so disrespectful to other women. And this includes – someone called it this and it’s perfect – asking us to be animals in a zoo and watch. F’ening vile and disgusting. We don’t exist for the entertainment of boring hetero couples who need some excitement. Rent your porn. Hire a prostitute. But respect women and gay women by leaving us alone.

        Sorry, you didn’t ask for this rant but I’ve never had an issue with bi women. I’m thrilled if a woman plays part-time in my ballpark. But wow, the first one I briefly dated was an unethical one and online dating is full of them. Bleck.

        So thank you for being an ethical one – which I assume you are.

  3. Thank you for the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to see where you’re coming from — in fact I’ve experienced the same thing. I’ve dated woman who seemed to be into me only to have her deny that there ever was a relationship between us after she got with a guy. Horrible fallout. All of our mutual friends sided with her , plus I had to see her at the office every day for about two years.

    Yeah, I know about ethics. That wasn’t it. 🙂

  4. Ouch. Now you know you’re not suppose to date anyone where you work (smile).

    You’ve hit on something else that I am on the looking out for with women…I am not ‘less than.’ Any bi woman that wants a play thing, unless that’s what I’m specifically looking for, can shove it. Seriously. Women, girls, ladies are not less than.

    I’m genuinely sorry Diane, esp. with the friends involved. If they added to this ‘less than’ behavior, obviously they were less than friends. Maybe some unexpected consequences of gay marriage will be our relationships in general will be considered more equal.

  5. Let’s hope so. And thank you for “less than” — it’s a succinct way of putting things. Yes, I felt deeply “less than” for a long time, as well as skittish about my next relationship. It was a good 6 months before I stopped thinking “I’ve got to leave” every hour of every day.

  6. I am driven by my feelings and it’s how some bi women have made me feel. I know immediately when I feel anything like that, they’re not women I want in my life, even as friends. They don’t respect other women as I do.

    I do want to ask Diane…you are married to a male…so not being single, does that change the dynamics? I’m honestly not sure how I would view a relationship with a bi woman who was not single. Knowing myself, I’m going to guess for me it would depend on the woman I’m with – that she’s very open and honest. But I’m not sure if I wouldn’t always hold back a part of myself, not because she’s bi – because she’s in a committed relationship with someone else.

    • Not being single changes everything. We don’t sleep around. There is also nothing we do, scene-wise, that the other person isn’t okay with.

      There were times in my 20s when I was an idiot and thought cheating didn’t hurt anyone. I’ve tried triads (heh), thinking it would give me the best of both words but both times they left me feeling hurt and bereft. I’m not about to judge people who are trying to be ethically poly, but monogamy is for me. We will occasionally play with friends, but both of us have to be present as well as comfortable with what is going on.

      If a woman says she’s committed to someone else, it makes sense for you to hold back, especially if that other person is a man.

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