The Five Worst Names


This idea materialized during a dog walk. We were strolling past a dentist’s office, an old-school kind of affair with gold lettering on the windows, and it occurred to me that the good doctor’s first name was something that should never, ever pass the lips of anyone caught in the throes of passion. Why? Well, Harry Burns said it best in the eponymous 1989 classic featuring:

Harry: Shel? Sheldon? No, no, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.
Sally: I did too.
Harry: No you didn’t. A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man… but humpin’ and pumpin’ is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. ‘Do it to me – Sheldon, you’re an animal – Sheldon, ride me big Sheldon.’ Doesn’t work.

So without further ado, here is my list.

1. Melvin
2. Alloysius
3. Buford
4. Rupert
5. Fritz

Got any more?


One response to “The Five Worst Names

  1. Norman. Just could not do a Norman.

    Lots of girls’ names make me cringe, too (Brittany, Crystal, Kitty, Barb…) but that might be also because I’m pretty het.

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