It happened at Bordello. It was night I wore the club vibe in public for the first time and ground around on a surprised Azuquitar. It was also the night I helped G- with his bad back by flogging him.
Mr. Tungsten had been in an odd mood all night — affable, but mixed. It was hard to read him. When I asked him to play he demurred, decided, and then let me have it. Publicly. For the first time.
I used to be a big scenester before the man and I met. Parties, clubs every weekend, you name it. After Mr. Tungsten moved in, I went out less often. It stood to reason — getting my introverted man to come out with me was an onerous chore. Besides, why should I go whack people at a club when there was good kink and good lovin’ at home?
After we moved to the ‘burbs, the Hollywood scene still drew me, but I would just go dancing. It seemed dishonest to play if Mr. Tungsten wasn’t around. However, it didn’t take long for the land of picket fences to become stifling. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up in subdivisions — and yes, you can play the Rush song — but I wanted friends who wouldn’t mind if we said something kinky during a Sanctioned Activity™, like bowling or watching TV. We weren’t ashamed of our lives. There was no need to compartmentalize entirely.
By this time we had a reliable car and Fetlife had been invented. The process of looking for kinky friends took us out a lot more. Seeing public play rekindled my interest. Mr. Tungsten was content to let me have my occasional fun as long as he was around and it was with people we trusted. Still, he was leery of playing together in a place where others could see. It was a combination of being less extroverted, less attention-hungry, and feeling, despite my reassurances, that something would go wrong.
It was only last year that mon amour got over his concerns about subbing anywhere besides our place. Bordello was becoming our dungeon-away-from-home and once he felt comfortable, he let me have my way with his unprotected skin. This milestone wasn’t without its potholes though. There were nights I wanted to play but he wasn’t ready, nights we played and I misread him, nights our chemistry was off. But we kept going.
Then he topped me in public. And Spock in a lip-lock, was it amazing!
He was fervent. He whispered threats. He held me by the nape in such a way that I couldn’t help but drop straight down into subspace, far down. He had me mewling and breathing hard. He temperied the blows to my ass with tweaks of my nipples and clit whenever I squirmed too much. The arousal let me take more pain and he knew this, of course — he knows my sub side very well by this point. His varied rhythms let me stand at the X-frame for I don’t know how long while he performed this intimate act.
He used his hand the entire time. It was as if he didn’t want any instruments to get in between us during this encounter. As if he wanted to say “this is me controlling you”, “you’re mine.”
Actually, he did say “you’re mine” a few times. That thrilled me. He rose up and let me have it with as much confidence as if we were at home. For me there was only the sensations and only him. For Mr. Tungsten there was a peripheral awareness of the room but mostly, he didn’t care who saw. We’d left the crowd behind. We kept going.
That is, by the way, what I want to say with this post: keep going.
Your kinky relationship can work as long as the basics are there. Trust. Honesty. Compassion. Respect. If you have these things, plus the common goals that successful couples (and yes, I am biased towards couples) share, you will do your best to accommodate each other’s needs. You can grow and change together.
It won’t happen quickly. You will argue. You will feel so rejected that it engenders, if even for just a short while, vindictive thoughts or deeds. You will backslide. You will rehash things that you thought were all done.
You will do these things because you’re human.
But if you have each others best interests at heart, you will step past this and go on. One day you’ll get there. Maybe not in the way you first envisioned, maybe not as far as you wanted, but it will be wonderful just the same. And then you’ll keep going some more.