An Open Letter to The Random Guy Who Emailed Me About Pegging Him

Dear Random Guy Who Emailed Me About Pegging Him,

I have a feeling that despite this offensive request, you’re a nice guy at heart. I have no basis for this assumption; you may in fact be an irredeemable douchebag who will ignore these helpful suggestions and die bitter and alone. However, since we’re virtual strangers (virtual, get it?) I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because that is how I roll.

Giving you this pass means I’ll explain politely and in detail about why your email is offensive and how to correct this behavior so that you stand a better chance of meeting your needs. Though my language at times may seem highfalutin’, I feel genuine sympathy for you because, heck, I’ve been out there. The dating world is a jungle. Actually, maybe the dating world is the frozen tundra where most of the time people have only the social equivalent of musk oxen for company and end up having to burn dung to keep warm. But I digress.

Hint number one: when contacting ladies on Fet, or on any forum, really, make sure to check their relationship status. If someone is in any kind of relationship, be it a traditional marriage or a big poly family, they may take umbrage at being asked to do random things with people they don’t know. I know I did. Pegging to me is an intimate act strictly reserved for my husband. So you asking me, even in the conditional, if I would I get pleasure is like saying “so you’re really a slut who’ll go with just anybody, right?”

Another aspect of this is that if the ladies’ partners ever find out that you approached without permission, you are more than likely run afoul of them. And these partners won’t be as sympathetic as I am. They’ll be protective. The’ll be mean. They may threaten your bones and your relatives.

There’s nothing to stop an annoyed lady from contacting all her friends as well. “Can you believe Captain Clueless wrote me this?” “Yeah,” the friends will lament, “the ignoramus sent me one too.” And these are about the nicest epithets they will use. Very quickly you will get put on block lists and start to be ignored at social gatherings. When people mouth off to you in chat you might say, gosh, the internet is an ill-mannered place, without realizing that it was you who was the jerk to begin with.

Also, the kinky community is small. Since your profile is so new, you may not even yet realize, how small, but trust me, at times it can feel like prison — not that I’ve ever been to prison, but as a writer it’s my job to imagine things. Anyway, we both know what happens to unpopular people in prison, right?

Hint number two: Don’t lead with your kinks. You may think that the simple, direct route is best. But when contacting a stranger, your friendly request is much more likely to come off as strange or threatening, which leads me to hint number three:

Get to know people. If you like a woman’s picture, say so. If something she’s accomplished impresses you, give a sincere compliment. If you see someone who’s into pegging and would like to be friendly with her, join the same pegging forum or other group that she’s in and chime in on the topics of the day. You might find the answers to many of your questions and may even get the chance to appear laid back and fun. (Bonus hint: Women like laid back and fun. ^_^) Make friends with other guys on the pegging forum too — they might have a single friend or play partner who’s into you. You might even say — hey, I’m going to event X, feel like meeting for a manly beer beforehand in which we talk about manly things but not pegging since that’s kinda personal?

Hint number four: Don’t lead with your accomplishments — it sounds like bragging. What you need to do is lead with your _interests_. Don’t make them obnoxious either. “I enjoy pulling 7 gs in my F-22 and eating entire fawns” makes you look like a loser-yob who’s trying too hard. Instead say stuff like. “I have a great dog and sometimes I take him to the beach. Game of Thrones is actually a pretty cool show. Oh man, vintage cars? I’m so there!”

Hint number five: Find a decent profile picture. Guess what, popular guy on YouTube? Many of us also keep our kinky lives separate from the lives in which we earn money, mow lawns, and act like upstanding citizens. We may also look like Angelina Jolie, but we don’t talk about it. Instead we find pictures of the lithe, pretty parts of ourselves and let those do the talking. So please do the same. Make sure it’s not a shot of your genitals either. I won’t even friend people who do this because I can’t stand looking at their junk hanging out all over my feed.

Hint number six: Never, ever say you’re “100% straight, not homophobic” because it’s a red flag — more of a banner, really. You’re saying “I’m extremely worried about appearing gay and appearing gay will debase me.” Which makes you homophobic. Quod demonstrandum erat.

Guys who are confident about their orientation will say sucking on dildos “doesn’t seem exciting” or “just not what I’m into” and leave it at that. Or they may not worry about it at all. They may be so happy to find a lady willing to peg them that they’ll just politely say no to a nice clean dildo pointed at their mouths. Or they may even consider it because, you only live once, right? People evolve and so do kinks, and it’s good to try things that push your boundaries sometimes.

So to wrap up, good luck on your quest to get well and truly rogered. I assure you it’s loads of fun for both pegger and peggee, and well worth all the effort you’ll expend in making new friends. Every success to you.

Sincerely,

D

Featured image via somanysweets.com