Give Schlong and Prosper

Once upon a time, there was a fangirl. The 2009 Star Trek film had almost instantly converted her from Trek-denier (“I never got interested in that.”) to roiling tub of squee and so she felt the need to express her lurv in fiction. The fangirl got way, way into the genre. She watched episodes of the original series, learned almost every Trek-trope, and began to study the Vulcan language, because cool, collected tops who go ape every seven years sure are exciting.

Although not as developed as Klingon, there are enough geeky linguists out there to make the Vulcan Language Dictionary a reality. So the fangirl reveled in the alien words. She went to the Vulcan Language Institute to learn about pronunciation and grammar. She met Ywain Penbrydd and together they began writing mountains of über-geeky, gay Trek stroke fic. With dialogue. In Vulcan.

Whether or not this was a logical thing to do, it sure was stimulating. And fun! Although one of the problems that the authors immediately encountered was finding synonyms for the peen. Consider Vulcan sensibilities. They’re not the kind of humanoids one would expect to go around saying things like “blue-veined custard chucker”.

And so, the following list was born.

The obvious:

raul: tool
elat : knob
lum: pointer
hilek: digger
la’ash: axe
mah-vel: hammer
razhek: awl

The technical/scientific:

oh’a’did: apparatus
mishitra: equipment
sokasitayek: cultivator
falek’es-dvelek: thermostat
tash-fek: control rod
le-wuhr-ozh: eleventh finger
kas-sa-krus: stamen

The militaristic (remember — there was a lot of fighting before Surak):

ahn’vahr: sword
li-wun: lance
lirpa: weapon of traditional combat
lirpax: training lirpa
thorshun: cannon
haifan-zeh: flagpole

The unlikely-to-be-used-by-actual-Vulcans-with-any-sense-of propriety:

zud-fam-aushfa: edentate animal (anteater)
tehn-yon-hali: fire engine
chkariya: weasel (alternately, malanu-chkariya: trouser-weasel)
malanu-aluk: trouser-trout
malanu-oluhk: trouser-snake
malanu-oluhk t’wuh-bezhun’es: one-eyed trouser-snake (oh, yes, Ywain went there.)

Got any more? Please contribute. Also, feel free to use it for you own gay (or straight or bi or genderqueer) Star Trek fanfic featuring Vulcan pickup lines.

Featured image: Cover art from Warp 11’s Boldly Go Down On Me

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